there's paper in my vomit.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
