She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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