It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
