I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
