Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
