Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
