I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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