We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
