did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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