I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
