dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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