I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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