Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
