me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This is the high leading the old right now
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
