I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
