I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
