I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize