I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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