I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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