I wish I could teleport
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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