I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
