If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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