I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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