Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize