dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
