mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My cat gives me a boner
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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