I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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