I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
