My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
