why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
