you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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