is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
