and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
