my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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