Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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