I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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