I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
