I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
