This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
