I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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