Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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