I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
