Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
