My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize