I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
be right there i have to get my cape
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
