Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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