She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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