I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
