I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
