first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
