I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
