The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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