I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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