so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
