can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize