you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
