Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
