They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
