my phone needs a breathalizer
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize