I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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