Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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