I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
